I hadn’t had a panic attack since the nightmare of the broken covenant all those years ago.
Oh yes, there’s definitely been seasons of uncertainty and anxiety. Of deep grief that definitely tapped into that panicky feeling.
But an all out panic attack? Not for eight years.
But there I was, twenty three minutes after midnight, mid September, barefoot and undone at the end of my driveway.
If you’ve lived with anxiety or managed panic, you know the terrible feeling of crawling out of your skin. Of something sinister weighing heavy on your chest.
You know - as I do - the all consuming overwhelm that seems too much to manage.
The racing heart and ringing ears.
Won’t it be wonderful when anxiety is not a thing and sorrow is no more??
But, here we are. On earth, dealing with human things.
And if you could have peered into my rural neck of the woods that night, you’d have found me.
Wrapped in a housecoat, focused breathing, claiming promises. And crying out to God - Declaring Him Lord over all of it.
It turns out, oddly enough, it was a perfect night for a panic attack.
As I stood there, tears of pouring out of my face, I tilted my head back and stared deep into the night sky.
I needed out of my skin. I needed to breathe.
I needed Heaven to reach down and calm my soul.
I don’t know how or even why. But amidst the heaviness of the wrestle I found myself peering deep into the night sky. And as though for the first time ever, I noticed the awesomeness of the stars.
Like, I really noticed them.
The countless shining, dancing lights dotting the night.
Forever away and also right here in my moment of struggle.
I felt my breathing change.
And then, with more kindness from Heaven, my ears picked up the sounds from the forest around me - the trees creaking and swaying in the warm breeze coming off the bay.
And the crickets joining the frogs in the most wonderful anthem. As though I was standing in a theatre.
I could see none of creatures making these delightful sounds. But my goodness I needed their voices.
In a second of clarity I remember thinking, all of creation is singing songs to You Lord.
So, so will I.
And so I did.
In my robe at the end of my driveway, tears rushing down my face, I started singing.
Arms raised, voice as big and loud and determined as I could make it.
Songs mixed with scriptures mixed with new lyrics that just tumbled out.
I worshipped anyway. Even though I didn’t feel like it. Even though all I wanted to do was fix my mind on the panic and all it was taking.
But the Bible tells us, "to take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ." (2 Cor. 10:5)
The Bible says, “do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.”
(Philippians 4:6 ESV)
And the promise? That, “the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
(Philippians 4:7 ESV)
And so there I stood, barefoot in the darkness of my driveway, arms raised and tuned in.
Thanking. Praising.
Remembering.
Remembering that no matter what, God has got every single thing under control.
Remembering that no weapon formed against me will stand.
Remembering that the same God Who hung the stars, told the waves where to stop and taught the crickets how to sing - is always right where we are.
Remembering that He hears the soul cries of His kids, and that He listens deep.
Our prayers - the calls of desperation - are heard by the heart of our attentive, good Father.
And whatever we’re facing, He is still right there. He promises that we are never alone. Even if we can’t see Him or touch Him, even when we can’t feel Him - He is exactly where we are.
Fighting battles for us. Holding us though the dark nights and deep valleys. And keeping every promise He’s ever made.
So if anxiety or panic has found a home in you today, can I remind you?
The One Who hung the stars has made His home in you too. Sometimes He calms the storm and other times He calms His child.
But in every second of it, He’s with you.
Raise your arms and with your biggest and best voice, call out for Him. Sing if you can.
Declare Him in charge and turn it all out and over to Him.
He’s listening. And He loves the sound of your voice.
May you feel His attentive, loving kindness reaching into every aspect of your life.
You are so loved.
Nicole
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